More Pain

June 27, 2008

10:21 PM

I have got to get a handle on my migraines. I had another ocular migraine Wednesday morning, making me late for work. (I had to wait until my vision was normal before I could drive.) Since then, I've had migraine remnants – weak enough to be treatable, but sudden movements or change in elevation create throbbing pains in my head. I'm still not ready to try preventative medicine, so I'm going to take a more proactive approach to finding the cause, reducing my exposure to triggers so my system can basically reboot itself.

The first potential trigger off the list is caffeine. I don't know if caffeine is one of my triggers, since I don't drink coffee, however, I did recently discover the hot chocolate from the coffee machine I've been enjoying may be more than just cocoa. If that's true, the amount of caffeine I've been ingesting has spiked, and my system could be responding to the sudden change. In the mean time I'll enjoy decaffeinated green tea, old English style and try not to think about chocolate too much.

Another potential trigger is the smoke. There's something like 800 wild fires in California, and we're under a health advisory to stay indoors. I've reacted to smells before, and it seems perfectly reasonable that poor air quality can send my system out of whack. To combat the smoke, I've got my air purifier which I bought last year to deal with my next door neighbor's (cigarette) smoke habit. It didn't occur to me until now that it can work for all kinds of smoke.

Next on the list, curtailing MSG. Unfortunately, I've grown a bit lax about this. I'm a creature of habit and California restraints are good about sharing allergy information. I had my "safe zone" and got out of the habit of double checking ingredients. Additionally, the severity of my sensitivity seem to be decreasing, at least as of a month ago. To be sure, I plan on avoiding new restraints, and limiting eating out in general since ingredient lists can change and not everyone on the wait staff is knowledgeable about food sensitivities.

Lastly is stress and fatigue. This will be the hardest since I'm a compulsive over achiever. I've meet everyone on my team at NEC (they're super nice, and super smart) so I'm not feeling as stressed out about starting the internship. I do, perhaps, have too many projects going on which isn't helped by the file system corruption on the server on UCSC campus with my data. Apparently the Raid array failed (twice!). I'm putting that project on hold, with the exception of rerunning the crawler so I will have data when I'm ready to come back to it. In the mean time I'm focusing on just two projects – my project for my internship and one of my ucsc research projects that has a deadline of end of summer. I've decided I will only allow myself to stay up past midnight working if I do not set my alarm clock, and hence sleep in as necessary. My hope is I will get enough sleep and learn to only stay up uber late when I'm being uber productive and not fixated on celebrity gossip (hay, no one is perfect!)

Hopefully now I'll start to see a decrease in migraines. They have been less sever this week than last, so it's possible what ever is causing them is correcting itself. With a little luck, I'll be back to my old self in no time.

Out with a Bang

June 22, 2008

11:11 PM

This weekend did not start well for me. I had another significant Migraine on Friday lasting all day. I could not walk from one end of the apartment to another, my head was hurting and the nausea was so sever. Not surprising, that was followed with a much milder ocular one Saturday morning. For those of you keeping track, that's two migraines in rapid succession a few weeks after two migraines in rapid succession. Not a good track record, nor a good way to begin the new summer internship.

The good news is my migraine medicine arrived. It's not good for your heart, but is extremely effective in my case. I hate taking it, but love having it. It's my migraine security blanket. I'm very happy to have received my medicine this month, before my old plan expires. Since I'm switching medical plans, I'll be switching doctors as well. Finding a new doctor in such a short period of time could be difficult. Fortunately, my migraine on Saturday didn't last long and I was able to function normally by the afternoon, just in time to go to the game with Rem et al.

I ordered a new laptop since I no longer have my work laptop as well as new printers. The laptop is slightly older and less powerful, so I was able to swing a pretty sweet deal. Now I will have three computers for the one of me. Clearly I need a third arm. The printer I'm eyeing is not as good of a deal, however my current one no longer prints, and printing is a necessity of the grad school way of life. This has been an expensive month, there's no question about that. But having a portable computer and a means of printing from home will reduce the necessity to travel.

My dad thinks the stress of leaving my steady job may be part of the cause for my migraines. It's certainly possible. I've worked at the same place for four years. This is one big change. I also want to do well at my internship. It may be scary, but the payoff will be great. Here's looking forward to tomorrow!

Making Ready

June 16, 2008

12:18 AM

I am very annoyed at myself this week. My intention when I quit work was to put my final paychecks into retirement, pre tax. Fellowships are considered additional income and don't have anything withheld. Since I work most of the year, I end up owing a pretty sizable chunk of change. Moving money into a pre tax retirement fund means my overall taxable income is less, and I lose a smaller portion of the fellowship to taxes. Since I don't need the money right now, and I won't have access to a 401k for a while, it seemed like the smart thing to do.

Alas, I needed to set it up weeks ago. So while I know what I feel like I should be doing with my money, I can't do it. I can put the money in a post tax retirement account, but then I don't get the tax break benefits I was hoping for. It won't really make a difference, but I'm annoyed whenever I make a silly mistake like this.

I did manage to go to the bank and cash my reimbursement check from this summer, and changed my account type to avoid fees during my transition from the working world. My health insurance went through okay, which is a big relief. I received the confirmation Friday afternoon. If I had more time I would have handled it a little differently and set up insurance in the Spring semester, but that's okay. Realizing starting school insurance in the Spring was better option than the Summer would have required premonition on my part. While I'm cool, I'm not that cool.

Overall, I'd say I'm ready for this transition. I made a must-do list and a like-to-do list. Everything on the must-do list is crossed off, except for one chore I plan to handle tomorrow. On the list of things I'd like to do are a couple contributions to give to charity. I want to donate my old cell phone to a local women's shelter (it can still be used to dial 911 in an emergency) and have clothes to donate to good will. I am a bit of a clutter bug. I hate throwing things out that can still be used. It just feels so wasteful. If it wasn't for charity I'd never see my floor again!

Parsing Kitty Speak

June 11, 2008

11:19 PM

Lily has two types of Meows. There's the short high pitch I-want-that! and the low, teenager-like whatEVER. There's no guessing what's going on in that kitty brain of hers. She lets you know what she wants and it's often what ever Mommy has – especially if mommy doesn't want her to have it. One indulgent I give her is tuna water (the liquid in a can of tuna.) It's not bad for cats, but it's not good for them either so it's a rare treat. Of course, I eat tuna rarely, which means she forgets she doesn't always get it.

You can probably guess where this is going. Last night I decided I wanted Tuna for dinner. Lily was asleep under the couch rather than in her cat tree. (Don't ask, I don't understand it either.) I got out the can of tuna, but there was no movement stirring from under the couch. I reached for the can opener, nothing. Slowly turn the handle, but there was only silence. I cracked the can open and it made the slightest pop. I glance over at the cat and she's standing straight up like a mere cat, staring at me. The scene was straight out of the movies. The next thing I knew she was throwing herself against my leg, meowing her annoyed meow because I wasn't sharing. I swear, in kitty speak she was saying I love you already, damn it, now give me the tuna!. Poor Kitty.

After a few minutes she resigned herself to the fact that she was getting any, and plopped down on the kitchen floor to mope. My crazy Kitty. After dinner I gave her a treat. She has me totally wrapped around her little paw.

Today I handled my health insurance. Or at least I think I did. I faxed in my form which they need by tomorrow morning. The fax confirmation didn't show the page, so I'm not sure it faxed correctly. I did it twice just to cover my bases. I also looked into the van pool for the fall, but it's not looking optimistic. It seems that they are anticipating being full and the best I can do is the waiting list when the open enrollment starts. Hopefully they'll start another line – I know one of the drivers has already volunteered. Next up on the list, a trip to the bank to cash a reimbursement check. There is so much to do now that the semester is over.

Looking Forward

June 9, 2008

12:44 AM

Wow. It's hard to believe the end of the quarter, and the end of my first year of grad school is just around the quarter. I know it's true, I have the new wrinkles and bags under my eyes to prove it, but it feels like just yesterday was orientation. The quarter is not quite over yet. I still have a final paper and a final exam to prepare for, both for Tuesday. I'm not as worried about either one as I probably should be.

I have a large backlog of papers I want to read before I start my summer internship in two weeks. Many of the papers are just for my own edification, but a couple I think would be really helpful for my summer work. I also want to continue working on my research code. My advisor, Yi,'s suggestion is to have a few papers "ready-in-the-wings" so I can spend the month before major conferences basically tuning them, and that makes a lot of sense to me. I had a few set backs, but I'm very fond of the paper I've started to put together. It's not ready for publication yet, but I hope it will be there by the fall. I also hope I'm not being unrealistic with my expectations.

I need to be able to accept the fact that I'm not super human. This past year was a very good year, and yet I still beat myself up with the perceived failures. I can not push myself to the breaking point all the time. Last week I had two migraines as a result of not sleeping enough and too much stress. Even with medication, I cannot look at a computer screen with an ocular migraine. Well, technically I can, I just can't read the screen. The pair of migraines set me back three days. No good at all.

I think the other big piece of advice to follow this coming year is Christina's. She suggested taking one class each semester. Looking back over this year, the quarter I was happiest was the Winter quarter when I was taking only one class. Both Fall and Spring quarters had moments of overwhelming stress. The Winter quarter was also when I managed to achieve my first paper publication. I wouldn't be a good data miner if I didn't notice a pattern. Fortunately, I have three classes left and there are three quarters next year (Fall, Winter and Spring – summer is for internships and research.) So that works out nicely.

I'm a little nervous about the transition to not working in the fall. I imagine I will be until November some time. I have a week to go before I say goodbye to my coworkers, and I'm already getting teary about it. But I'm still looking forward to the future, even if I'm anticipating missing the past.

Resigned

May 30, 2008

5:04 PM

It's been true now for a little while now, but it is perhaps more "official" today: I am officially resigning from LLNL. I've enjoyed working at lab so much over the past four years. I've met great people who have inspired me. I've gained so much experience and am better researcher and a better software developer now then I when I started. I've made friendships that will last a life time. But it's been clear this quarter (and even from the start of the year) that I need to devote myself to research.

Lack of time is a major motivating research to this decision. My schedule is crazy busy. I've succeeded thus far by opting to sacrifice sleep, but that's been catching up to me. It's been harder to drag myself out of bed. This once super light sleeper who would wake when the neighbors were walking around their apartment is sleeping through her alarm. Worse, that fatigue is starting to affect my work abilities. Recently, I've had several bugs in my code that were just very dumb mistakes that I should have been able to spot right away. I'm usually very good at being able to spot pitfalls well in advance, or anticipating how my data might be corrupted, but lately I've noticed that's less true.

Then there's the issue of fellowships. One really isn't supposed to be working when one has a fellowship – especially not for the NSF fellowship. The intent of the fellowship is to supply funding so the researcher can focus on the research.

To be honest, I wasn't sure gradschool was right for me when I started which is probably the biggest reason why I didn't resign last fall. I could tell that a PhD would be necessary for the career path I wanted, but I was worried I would be one of those bright students who just don't make it through the program. I saw my primary strength as being able to distill a complex problem down into a very simple one. It seemed like I could spot the low hanging fruit better than my peers. While a handy skill to have, research is about the hard problems. Now that I have a year under my belt, my confidence level is up. I can do this. I am doing this.

While I'm sad to be leaving, I know it's time. I will miss the experiences the lab has to offer. I will miss the personalities. I will miss the support and encouragement. One thing that definitely makes a girl feel loved - I've already gotten a couple requests to be notified of any going away parties. For those of you reading from the lab, I'll be sure to keep in touch!

A Gift for Me

May 26, 2008

11:47 AM

Something weird is underfoot. I spent all weekend (minus today, yay for holidays!) working on my research code. No - I'm still not at the experiment phase, mostly setting up the experiments. My unix box is behaving, well, strangely. I had a process disappear from the process list queue, only to reappear later. That's totally not my understanding of how process queues work. Perhaps I shouldn't take the advanced architecture class next year after all...

I have to admit I'm a little bummed today. Despite having a phenomenal year, I haven't really done much to celebrate. I was fortunate enough to be awarded the NSF fellowship, but opted not to go out for a nice dinner because I was busy with homework. I had my first paper publication, but celebrations were postponed muted because I was swamped with other deadlines still. All A's? Still nada.

I wanted a treat. My latest kick is lab created diamonds. They're eco-friendly and often times flawless. I don't currently have any, but I've enjoyed window shopping. It's actually easier to grow colored diamonds, than colorless (white) diamonds, and I've become absolutely fascinated with blue and green diamonds. Lab created diamonds are still expensive, often times more than mined diamonds, and well outside my price budget. Imagine my surprise when I found one that was not so far removed - good cut, excellent clarity. It was exactly the pendent style I wanted, and sold on Amazon so I wasn't too worried about authenticity.

Today, between stumbling around with perl code and process queues, I contemplated not whether or not to buy it, but which size to buy at. Alas, when I finally decided which one I wanted, the entire inventory was gone. I fear it was liquidated. I sent an email to the parent company asking when they were likely to get more in stock. In the mean time I shall rely on my discount shopping sleuth skills. I found 1, 1ct very slightly included, good-cut blue diamond for less than 1k, surely I can find two. Here's hoping.